You’re going to lose the fight against yourself!

Your life follows a road that had been prearranged and there is not much room for dreams? Most of the time, it takes years before you finally understand all those supressed feelings. At least, that’s what it was like for me. I grew up in a small town where most people followed a certain life style. There is nothing wrong with this as long as you’re happy with it. I was certainly not, and I couldn’t let go of the thought that there must be something else out there.

When your own world starts getting too small…

After I had finished my first apprenticeship and was supposed to move in with my former boyfriend, there was the first break. I left this prearranged road and followed my dreams even though it wasn’t easy. In that moment, the constant swing fort and back had entered my life. I followed my own path for quite a while until it got too complicated or it simply didn’t go on any further and then, I found myself in a rather “normal” lifestyle.

… but there are too many possibilities!

That’s what my life was like during my 20’s. For some time, I was working as a journalist on Berlin’s red carpets and I enjoyed this colourful life in Germany’s capital, that had opened new doors and showed me different mindsets. When this path turned out to be a dead end, I fled to Australia for a year. It was the first time I felt like I had truly arrived and did what I actually liked. But working as a skin care consultant around the world couldn’t be the “real life”. When I arrived back in Germany, I couldn’t help but to fall back into old patterns. I felt pressure to perform well and follow a certain path that the society expects and respects. Even though I would have loved to go back to my life in Australia, I decided to study which was supposed to complete my CV.

It was really hard for me to fall back into old habits, as I had made all these experiences abroad. It simply wouldn’t work. And that’s when I found an acceptable trade-off with myself – if I would study in Germany, I would at least study a semester abroad. I quickly realised that studying offered some advantages – I didn’t feel as restricted as before and there was plenty of room for development. And even if I enjoyed studying and travelling at the same time, I still had the feeling that I hadn’t reached my goal.

Fear of your own courage

Shortly before I turned 30, I had finished my studies and two apprenticeships, and I still didn’t know what to do with my life. Or maybe I did but I was too afraid of my own courage? Even though I had seen different life styles from all around the world, I still had this 9-to-5 jobmodel in my head. That this just didn’t quite fit me was clear to me, but just subconsciously, which is why I didn’t do anything about it. I kept on telling myself that I hadn’t found the right company for myself, yet. But it really wasn’t about the job. Obviously, I wanted to be passionate about what I was doing. But the thought of sitting in an office for a set time, even if there was nothing to do, put me off. Just having 24 days a year as my holidays and realising my ideas in a set order – that all didn’t quite fit.

Going beyond the limits in your mind

Added to that, I had all those ideas where I was travelling around the world and doing my own thing. Passing on the experiences that I made in my job. Working from everywhere and being my own boss. And opening this door to others. Using the experience that I had gained through my apprenticeships and studies to create a job for myself. But it never came into my mind, that I could be self-employed one day.

How I was forced to leave the prearranged path and find my own…

And that’s how I made the same mistake again. I accepted a job that I knew I didn’t want to do. It didn’t just make me unhappy, it made me sick. The diagnosis was depression! For years and years, I had fought against my actual purpose and ignored my inner voice. I would have never thought, that my psyche had such an impact on my physical health. I was thought a lesson when I broke down in my early 30’s.

If someone would have told me that this would happen at this age, I wouldn’t have believed it. The hardest weeks of my life were yet to come – therapy, pills and a thorough confrontation with myself which I missed out on over the last years.

Looking back, I can say that this was a very dark time for me. But if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you cannot see any alternatives. Which, in my case, led to me finally following my dream. Since July, I finally have my own little baby: My service and recruitment agency Cream & Travel, which gives young people the opportunity to work worldwide in the beauty industry, in order to finance their travels. Added to that, they can collect work experience abroad and discover new lifestyles so that maybe, they can find the right one for themselves!

I can say that I have never worked this much in my life before. But I do it on my terms and can collect a lot of happy moments along the way!

Today, I don’t see my career path as chaotic but for what it is – the finishing straight, which has taken me where I am right now, with all the knowledge and the experiences that I have gained throughout the years.


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